Sibling Rivalry

Once upon a time I had a daughter, and for the first 2 years of her life, she was an only child. She was, in the least, spoiled rotten by mommy, daddy, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. At age 2 years and 1 month to be precise, she was no longer an only child. Parents of 2+ children know how hard it is to deal with a newborn and all of the lovely things that go with it. Such as all 6 of the middle of the night feedings (don’t forget the 30 minutes later diaper changes), figuring out what is wrong when they cry, feeding burping changing feeding burping changing and cuddling. In the midst of this there are a few naps, when you try to sleep as well, but the older child needs love and attention too. Unfortunately and luckily life is not what it was before the second child came along. In the process of taking care of the newest member of the family, the second child starts to feel neglected. Then the real problems start, I can remember when my own baby brother came along…when mommy wasn’t looking you better believe I was biting, pinching, and smacking him! So it shouldn’t have been a surprise to me when my daughter started doing these things to my son, but it was. The problem wasn’t too bad in the beginning…but once Derek started to sit on his own, crawl, and walk and he was getting praise for these milestones Madi started getting revenge for his “attention stealing”.


Luckily enough for me, I am taking a “Human Growth and Development” class, where we touched based on sibling rivalry. Basically I learned that sibling rivalry actually falls back on the parents and how they treat the children. “The child who gets the less parental affection, more disapproval, or fewer material resources is likely to be resentful” (Berk, 2010). Parents don’t do this intentionally but when stress is high due to financial worries, marital conflict, or even single parenthood and a parent’s energy is drained, they become less careful about being fair to both children. I also found that rivalry increases in middle childhood, and so children will begin to participate in different activities so that they can not be compared to their siblings’ accomplishments and traits. “For same-sex siblings who are close in age, parental comparisons are more frequent, resulting in more quarreling and antagonism and poorer adjustment.” In an effort to reduce this effect parents need to recognize what they are doing and make an effort not to compare their children (Berk, 2010)

There are however, some good points to a small amount of rivalry. “As siblings strive to win recognition for their own uniqueness, they shape important aspects of each other’s development” and “Although conflict rises, school-age siblings continue to rely on each other for companionship and assistance. When researchers asked siblings about shared daily activities, children mentioned that older siblings often helped younger siblings with academic and peer challenges. And both offered each other help with family issues” (Berk, 2010).
“For siblings to reap these benefits (above paragraph), parental encouragement of warm, considerate sibling ties is vital. Providing parents with training in mediation-how to get siblings to lay down ground rules, clarify their points of disagreement and common ground, and discuss possible solutions-increases siblings’ awareness of each other’s perspectives and animosity.” When siblings are at peace the younger child “picks up on” the older child’s social and academic competence and this promotes favorable peer relations and achievements (Berk, 2010)

Sibling rivalry is not always our fault as parents. Sometimes kids will just be kids, and we need to realize that we can’t always intervene. Children need to learn to manage their conflicts on their own. For help and advice with what you can do as a parent go to:  http://www.calmerparenting.com/siblingsLandingPage.html

While I know that I have a long haul in front of me, I am glad to have realized that sometimes their fights are my fault and sometimes not. I make a conscious effort to be fair to both children, whether it be play time, mommy time, snack time, or just anytime. I think sometimes we have to take a step back from the situation and figure out why our children are acting up. Sometimes you don’t like what you see and that can be hard to accept, but catching a problem early is key to the growth and happiness of our children. Other times, we find that our kids are just different people with different likes, dislikes, and approaches to life. Ultimately “In addition to parents and friends, siblings continue to be important sources of support” (Berk, 2010), and we as parents need to try and make sure that our children know that and use each other for support and help.

Alisha O.

Sources:
Berk, L.E. (2010), Development through the lifespan. Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.
http://www.calmerparenting.com/