Professional advice about tantrums

As a mother, a student, and an employee, my life often gets crazy and hectic. After doing this interview and writing this blog, I am afraid to say, for fear of sounding like a bad parent,that I have lost track of what really matters as a mom. I love my children with all of my heart and make sure that they know it, but I have unrealizingly forgot that my actions now, shape my childrens’ lives. How I teach them and react to situations is the example that they will follow. Thinking back, I can recall shopping for my daughter’s birthday party, and they didn’t have the banner I wanted. I stomped my foot and grunted, my husband turned to me that moment and said “I see where Madi gets her temper from.” I guess it was one of those things that never really clicks until it is pointed out. I hope that this interview helps you, as much as it has helped me and opened my eyes to what really matters.



1. What, in your professional opinion, is the cause of tantrums?
"Tantrums are basically a tool used by children to get what they want. In most cases it could be described as a learned behavior that has gotten the results they wanted in the past, so why not try it again? The candy bar at the checkout, getting to leave a place that is uncomfortable or not preferred are possible examples.
There are also children however who lack the resources to control their emotions. Children with autism or developmental issues have a difficult time with changes in routine or unpleasant sensations. The approach with those kids requires a treatment/learning type of intervention that gives the parent the ability to provide the security a child might need to avoid a tantrum."


2. Children tend to act out more in public, what is an acceptable “punishment” for children? At home and in public?
"The work in dealing with inappropriate behavior, including tantrums must take place from the very beginning of child’s life. Parents must understand that they are the first models for positive behavior; it’s tough to tell a child to be under control when the parents lack discipline themselves. Kids will watch and repeat your behavior, so let’s strive to show them a better way to behave.
In training a child to become a good citizen a parent needs to be consistent in what the rules are. Besides what the parent displays, do you correct clearly or explain the behavior that you would prefer? You should try to apply consequences for behavior as quickly and fairly as possible to reinforce what you are trying to teach them. Catch them being good and tell them as fast as you would punish bad behavior.
With that being said, what do you do when your child is spread eagle on the floor in a grocery store screaming because they want something? First, try and acknowledge the situation, without ranting yourself, remain calm and remind them of potential consequences for the behavior and what you expect them to do. Do this with firmness. Don’t get yourself out of control. Secondly, if they don’t respond the way you want, you’ve confronted them firmly, tried to ignore the behavior, then be willing to leave the store with your child. You’ll be embarrassed but most people would completely understand and sympathize with your situation. I have done this. I have taken the child to the car and dealt with them outside of the public. I’ve left the cart with an attendant in the store to keep until or if I return. Again, give your clear explanation of the behavior, even expressing disappointment (it’s ok to make them feel badly for hurting you). Make the car a place for a ‘time out’ and remind them of other consequences if they continue to misbehave.
If they settle, return to the store, if they can’t demonstrate that they won’t act up again, leave and live to fight another day. The key is to either get the child settled or remove them from the situation quickly because it is tough to have this unfold for an extended period in public, you need to be firm and feel as confident as possible."


"One last note, DO NOT use a bribe to get the child to behave. They need to learn that proper behavior is expected and not to be subject to bargaining. When you give in, you only give the child another experience that tells them tantrums work!"


3. How can a parent prevent this unacceptable behavior?
"As I said before the real work needs to be done beforehand. Your prevention is in the willingness to teach and train your children as often as possible. Let them know the rules and reward when they do well as you would if they misbehave.
I recall a ‘look’ that my mother could give me to show me that I was getting into trouble. That look was both a warning and a punishment together and it could stop me in my tracks across a room. My spine is melting right now remembering that glare!"


4. They call this stage of a child’s life “terrible two’s”, but as most parents find out this stage lasts longer then 2 How can we shorten this length of time?
"Again, be willing to put the time in throughout your child’s life. The 2’s set the standard for things to follow but it doesn’t end there. It’s about demonstrating your love for the child in that you are willing to take the time to focus on them, engage, teach and encourage them to get the best out of life. Parent out of love, parent to teach goodness and give your child the best of what you have to offer.
But remember, mistakes will probably be made, don’t get overwhelmed. Kids and parents are resilient. If you have made a mistake, be willing to apologize, even to your kids. You don’t lose face but in fact, you demonstrate another example of how people should be with others and how you are willing to learn, just like they should be."

I hope you enjoyed the interview!


Check out my next blog on April 8th,where I will cover sibling rivalry .


Special thanks to:

John Dittmar, who has his masters in education, is a licensed therapist, and is a PhD Candidate.

Alisha O.